just the LAST paragraph

My world is misunderstood in so many ways, yeah…it’s me to begin with nothing more, nothing else, I  am like a leaking parachute floating on air and anytime I would just hit the ground so badly.  I’m just like this, a living metaphor of human happiness and a true-love-type of being.  When I do wrong I am judged. When I wrong people no matter how well-intentioned it is, still, I am persecuted. When I do good they will accuse me of self-interior motives.

Baloney I may say, nothing’s unfair but everything is out of place. You will never get the same amount of love you give, that’s a given fact anyway.

Random…life is random. Even a dog deserves a reward when he does a new trick. I never asked, I just wanted to be appreciated, I was…yeah maybe it’s me or perhaps it was really me who kept those longings unspoken and unseen.

No matter how we dig the most perfect apple out of the bunch it can still be the ugliest apple to someone else. The world is relative nothing seems to be equal among people. What is many for me may not be many to someone else. Indifference, well calculated, uncompromised and one must insist and the other end does the same thing, nothing in between but competition.

To someone this might be a piece of shit, liquidating those unresolved agony, but to someone it can be relevant, a shared thoughts and feelings, a fancy of oneness to someone far yet can talk directly to the soul. To someone this is an empathy a gesture of giving and understanding.

Market place, that’s the world today, people trade everything to be happy and compromise their soul to get what they want.

Heaven, such a nice word, I can smell it; I can see it, seemed so far yet really near. Its within us, people can smell, see, touch and feel it from us. So does hell.

If my heart can become pure and simple, like that of a child, I think there probably can be no greater happiness than this.
~Kitaro Nishida

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
~Edith Wharton

If you want happiness for an hour take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month get married.
If you want happiness for a year inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime help someone else.
~Chinese proverb

If you want to be happy, be.
-~Leo Tolstoy

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
~Agnes Rippler

Millions of words coming from affluent and influential, help books are everywhere. Why happiness is still elusive, detention, people are colonized within their selves. They try to hide and try to be somebody else.

Over thinking and over analyzing…yeah I do it sometimes or sometimes most of the time. Maybe because this is my nutshell, my subconscious, my dream.

Live, breathe, love and be yourself. Some difficult process thru happiness but we can practice them every day until we perfect them. And yeah…you can forget about everything I wrote and just remember this one.

A/C/L

Pacing over surface of blinding light,

random faces in this random life.

The world turns in trick or treat,

in endless turns like mary-go-round,

in dead horses of broad grin.

He eats, drinks, cries and dies.

He eats, drinks, laughs and dies.

He buys his world,

I create my world,

I buy my world,

He creates his world.

He gives, I give.

I give, I give.

Colors, feelings, life and death.

My world screams deep.

Invisible at the abysses.

My heart, his heart,

there in his world.

He creates, I buy,

my blood, my tears, I gave.

He thirsts, I gave.

I thirst, I thirst,

I thirsted......

LOVING RELATIONSHIP

I took this article from facebook in one of my friend's notes, the title didn't really attract me, well relationship topics are kindda' browning me off thinking that coming from a 5 - year - old relationship now, I am a pro on whatever it says. In spite of this bragging thing I still decided to inch, i get engrossed in its every sentence and eventually I found myself related. And after reading, I felt like I'm a year older in soul and spirit. Hope you find the same way you might find it a little preachy but believe me its all worth your time, enjoy reading...

"A life without love is a jeweled cup without wine"

Everyone wants to be loved. Our desire is understandable, for love gives meaning to life and lightens our burdens. The path of love is circular and begins with our parents or caretakers:

1. They love us, thereby teaching us that we are worthy of love. 

2. The feeling of worthiness enables us to love ourselves. 

3. Because we have loving parents, we learn that others are worthy of being loved. 

4. We then learn to love others, and they in turn love us. 

5. Their love of us reinforces our sense of worthiness.

Some of us were raised in dysfunctional families and were denied experiencing the circle of love. Those who feel unloved, cease to love themselves. However, as adults we can heal ourselves if necessary. We begin by acknowledging all human beings are worthy of love. Next, we look within, recognizing our good points and our value to society. Finally, we learn to love ourselves. Once we do so, we are ready to love others and the circle of love can begin.

The three pillars of romantic loveThe high divorce rate is a signal that many do not understand the nature of love, which rests on the three pillars of attitude, knowledge and understanding.What is the right ATTITUDE? It’s the awareness that marriage is meant to last until death. Therefore, the choice of a partner is taken seriously. And when problems arise, they are worked out together. An example of the wrong attitude toward love and marriage is when someone asks their “sweetheart” to sign a prenuptial agreement. Or when a couple lives together in a “trial marriage.” In either case at least one of the partners lacks confidence in the relationship. Marriage is not an experiment, but a serious commitment. If you need surgery, would you pick a surgeon that was willing to conduct a “trial operation” or would you want one that was absolutely committed to your complete recovery?Do you love the country of Bhutan? Not if you’ve never been there and know nothing about it. You can love only a country, or person, that you know. That’s what I mean by saying love is based on KNOWLEDGE.


How can one claim to be in love with someone they’ve just met? It is only over time (generally, at least a year) that we can get to know someone. It is also important to become acquainted with as many people as possible so we have a basis for comparison when choosing a mate. If someone tells you that they fell in love at first sight, tell them “Nothing beats love at first sight except love with insight.” When someone is involved in a destructive relationship, we may say that “love is blind.” However, love is never blind. It is enlightened and based on insight and knowledge. It is infatuation, lust, and “puppy love” that are blind. If a relationship is built on the sand of infatuation, why are we surprised when it falls apart? 


UNDERSTANDING is the third pillar that supports love. It starts with an understanding that we are all the same. We share the same hopes and fears. Or, as Alexander Smith wrote, “Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” We also understand that people cannot be changed and they are imperfect. This understanding allows us to accept the “shortcomings” of our mate. In return, our partner accepts our weaknesses. It is not a matter of forgiving each other, but of understanding each other. Benjamin Franklin also believed in the importance of knowledge and understanding, for he wrote, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.”When you are loved, you will be treated with kindness, respect, admiration, and devotion. It is impossible to express love with a clenched fist. Abuse and love cannot coexist. If someone is in an abusive relationship they should seek counseling and learn whether the relationship can be rescued. If it is to succeed, your relationship must be built on mutual admiration.Some young people say, “I want to meet an attractive person, someone with their own transportation, and a good job.” They don’t yet realize that love is not about WANTING, but GIVING. Love is the gift of yourself to another. “Immature love says,” according to Erich Fromm, “‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.’

”Partners in a loving relationship trust each other, so they live free from fear. Also, they understand the most important thing parents can do for their children is to love each other. “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.” says Barbara De Angelis.

“It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day. The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make — not just on your wedding day, but over and over again — and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife."

PAIN > a n g e r

I just had a meaningful Sunday, I attended the 8am service @ WORDofHOPE, and I just couldn't love more the preaching, perfectly relevant. I get to work out rightly after and now it's dawning, life couldn't get any better when you realize that L I F E is just so simple and that elusive happiness that people used to find is just right there within us seemingly a treasure waiting to be found.

I had such a wonderful experience the last full year of 2010. I get to gross an income fair enough to call it very satisfying. I really enjoy my job as a freelance event planner and stylist. I came across with a lot of people, get updated with the latest trends and of course the job experience is very unsurpassable. I get to book an event abroad and the experience was really amazing. When I look back 2010 I can feel a lot of emotions. But never will I regret anything. Not a single thing.

I never hesitated to say, “I’m sorry.” I am of very strong personality, I am strong and I am a dare-devil. God made me one maybe because He knows I’ll be needing it. Although sometimes you can rub on my face all my mistakes and I will just give you a blunt reaction, it’s me being weak is the only weapon that could destroy me, but I will assure you I will think about every word you said and I will C H A N G E. Somehow I don’t really believe in a tearful sorry, I settle for an action and a change in behavior.

We cling to people and confine to them what we feel. We open up to them not because we want to betray others but because we T R U S T them. They sympathize or empathize but sometimes they will use it against you.

“We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal,” thus DN said. I can’t blame him. Sometimes people closest to our hearts are the one most capable of surprising us, said Rufus Humphrey.

But this is I what I said, “I'll live one day at a time, little by little, bit by bit my heart will forgive and my soul will get healed and someday I will look back and regret nothing because I know I'd loved them even if they hated me.”

To DN you still have to trust anyway, it's our only defense against unhopefulness that human kind is still of God's resemblance.

Sometimes we don’t really owe people anything nor do they owe anything from us. Maybe the simple “thank you,” can define a very rewarding gift after all. I am learning and that’s validate me that I accepted my mistakes. I reacted. I stayed strong and I stood for something I really believe it’s true and worth fighting for.

Maybe I have but only one regret. I’ve lost some people closest to my heart, for what reason? I bet, I still don’t know. But I do want to tell them, they never lost me. They are so dear to me.

I forgave. I repressed. I moved on. Then, I realized that hatred and anger can fade away but somehow the tears can still fall coming from a painful heart. The pain remains and it might take awhile to nurse back again that wounded soul.

Pain is better, it merely cause me to cry, and tears are better than the wrath of vengeance in anger and hatred.

Yesterday I might be crying in pain. Today I can say that I am happy. I face the mirror and I am proud of the person I became. At the end of the day what is important are not the things that you get, but what you’ve become as person.

And I believe T O M O R R O W will always be better. And I would trust, care and love again.

Photo Credit.

A D D I C T I O N

When I was little I had a normal childhood. Though my dad was miles away working for the family welfare I was blessed with a devoted mom and two supportive brothers ahead of me and not to mention a spoiler and ever protective grandmother. I couldn’t feel anything missing, even my dad left for abroad right before I was born. And I just happened to see him after thirteen years and it’s another story, but believe me it was never a big deal for me. It’s not that I don’t really care about my dad but I just get used of living the way it was since I have acquired my consciousness. Salvaging the greatest gift I had since I was born which is my mom, my brothers and lola and an aunt which is so dear to me is the only way I could believe more that a family doesn’t require anyone, but unconditional love and camaraderie.

I’ve gone thru with those entire milestone on my infancy. My personality became more identified. I cling to the home I’ve grown up to and people I’ve grown up with. My childhood is such a dream of every little kid. My mom would walk me to that sweet tiny school where I spent my nursery and pre-school days. I remember my snackbox filled with cloudnine chocolate, a bottle of juice and a sandwich made with a mother’s love.

I could never imagine a life without this people: my comfort zone; my support system, my only treasure.

I became dependent on the fact that no matter what happens they are there, and I couldn’t be more right, not until I’ve learned that good things never really meant to last. As me and my brothers grow up, the family expenses became more demanding. We barely heard anything from dad which that time is the crucial period in middle-east, we know it’s happening long before my mom finally broke her denial and stood up and said we can no longer rely on your dad. Like I said dad is another story. I never hate him not until I forgave him.

My mom left and decided to work abroad. We live a comfortable life. But comfort is never co-terminus with love and guidance of a mother. My middle brother got into pre-marital sex at a very young age and he has to nurse a family rightly after. My older brother left the school for health problems. My mom was devastated I called her and told her she needs to go home. She did. But it’s too late.

It was no one’s mistakes. It was fate, a lesson.

Well I couldn’t believe that this writing is turning into my life’s testimony. Why did I title this addiction? We are all prone to be dependent on something. From infancy and up to now that I am a young adult. I realized that there are things that we are just compelled to do given a certain circumstance and certain need and we have no choice. But to learn from them, that is.

There are things that are too good to be true, somehow they are true but they never seem to last.

Everything is an addiction: chocolates, cartoons, games, family, home and even love. There are no easy ways to withdraw from these. No rehab. No medical management. It’s a self-dealing thing. If you are clever enough somehow you can just equip yourself of the fact that the only constant thing is change. But I bet you won’t believe it unless you pass your withdrawal and learn to accept things and if that’s the case you’re lucky enough to learn.

Of sandwich, caffeine, nicotine, friendship and love.

 After some long days and perhaps weeks and months of not having to meet some college friends, because first, I'd been busy doing nothing (LOL)...second, I'd been attacked with this non-clinical depression (of what? dunno) but like a fever with an unknown origin it will just subside and disappear unnoticed. Yesterday, Avec PM me at facebook and asked me to go out for lunch and sip some coffee after wards. I asked if there's a problem she said non, I took it from there and said "count me in" i would love to catch up and hear and tell stories.

It was a lazy-rainy-dull Wednesday. Perfect to to just hang around and do nothing but to laugh and share stories, old and new. Since I don't really eat too much for lunch due to my self-made diet regimen we decided to meet at the Starbucks on the SM sky garden instead and grab something to eat there and at the same time take our precious coffee. I am excited to see an old pal. We arrived perfectly on the set time and with no tinge of disfamiliarity, we talk non-stop and laugh with all our stories, seemingly we just see each other yesterday.

I enjoyed the moment. I listen to her stories: college times, distant past, near present and of the moment. Friendship, family, career, love and so on. Somehow It's like having a session with psychotherapist where I get to express myself, dig my subconscious and just totally breathe out everything. Aside from the extra bonus where I get to learn a lot from her stories and experiences.

We departed at around 3pm, say goodbyes and kisses. A short friendly encounter but it made a day very sensible and meaningful. That, in an idle day like that, you can call a friend, talk and listen to stories, and that will brighten up even the most weakest day. Thankz Avec I will remember you always:) See you soon...I'll cross the bridge when I get there...you know what I mean:)

SMS

“There may be times you may feel giving up to all your problems that you’re going through. Life maybe unfair but always remember that when no one else will stand by your side I’ll be right here for you. Be positive. Life must go on. If you messed up, so what? Learn to stand up again and walk with confidence. If other people laugh at your failure, then prove to them that they are wrong. Luv u nak!”

Thus, goes the text message from my nanay. After graduating from the nursing school, I know how she expects me to excel on my field. But I failed her. Of course nothing to blame than myself and all my decision makings I have to admit that I messed up. And I can’t really admit that it was intentional.

Back in my elementary days, even during on high school, I have never fancied myself pushing in any of the allied medical professions. But I did it. I graduated from a private college, I made it cum laude and I became a Registered Nurse rightly after.

I didn’t practice it. I was hired in an events and communications company. I enjoyed the corporate world but I resigned after a year and decided to go freelance. Event is one time big time. It gives me a sense of fulfillment in a way that I can really express myself in every detail of it.

But why am I not contented? And I always have this sense of guilt. Maybe because this wasn’t my parents want me to do. My mother has always been apologetic every time she will call and tell me that I need to get a job base on my degree. And I believe, I will, soon.

I know she cries a lot thinking that the only way I could repay back my most generous aunt who never fails to send me to school is to be well on my chosen field. But I promise you tita and mama that I might messed up today, but tomorrow I will clean. And it would be soon.

I feel sorry whenever I think of it, whenever I remember my nanay. Not just because until now I never had the chance to hid their advice, but also because I miss them so much. I miss myself being just laid back and simple. A probinsyano. And I’ve always wanted to tell them that I might be urbanized in many sense but I never change the way I love them.

It was just yesterday when I received this text message. I’m glad I had it. It was just right on time. And soon mama you will be fully proud of me!

unGUARANTEED love

Yes, "love is never having to say I'm sorry," but in a relationship you are bound to make mistakes. Find someone who will accept you for everything that you are not, everything that you are and everything that you will become. Relationship is not a sweet promise, not every night is bed of roses and not every morning is breakfast in bed. 
Its something to work it out!

Photo Credit.

MAPAGTANONG NA KAMALAYAN

Mama, bakit kayo away ni papa?

Galit ka ba sa kanya?

Ah… hindi naman kami nag-aaway.

Bakit ka nya sampal? Bakit mo siya sigaw?

Mama, bakit alis si papa?

Bakit nya ko kiss higpit? Saan siya punta?

Ah… anak may pupuntahan lang siya.

Pero bakit siya dala malaking maleta?

Mama, bakit ka iyak? May sugat ka rin ba?

Bakit mo ko yakap? Lamig ka rin ba?

Anak… mahal na mahal kita!

Mahal karin ba ni papa?

PHOTO CREDIT.

love AND ITS absurdity

 

Love has many colors.


It doesn’t go the way we see it...illusion...very tricky in millions of undreamed ways. 


Sometimes we think its easy to fall in love…maybe its true, but the hard thing is to keep it not because love fades but because love has its own price. 


The difference between mutual understandings, flings or whatever you call it, is that true love perseveres, it never gets tired, sometimes even though you are tired you keep on telling yourself that you can still work it out, it never hates cause it manages to make the hateful things loveable…there are times that seemingly you can no longer on but you never admit it for this constant reason…-love.


Only the brave ones last the battle of a real relationship. 


Battle. 


Might be some sort of  painful and hard way to put it. But its true. You battle towards giving up and giving in. Loving yourself a bit more or just give it all to that person. A battle between what you've been and what you've become as a person in a relationship. You battle everyday. You discover everyday. You hate and get hurt everyday and like a faithful soldier you get wounded but you keep going on because everyday...you love.


You lost, you gain. You wake up one morning looking for yourself, because somehow you're entirely a different person. You compromise even your most founded principles. You never care. You just love.


Regrets?

I don't even know if we are capable of using this term.


"Never regret a thing that was once made you happy," goes the sublime axiom.


Never regret, might be so unfair because that maybe the only thing you can do to console yourself but it so true...never ever regret.


Love. Absurd.

You chase it non-stop.


I wonder what a simple four-letter-word yet so powerful, it drives you crazy, it makes you happy, it keeps you living...yet it still hurts you.

PHOTO CREDIT.