The wall is white and brightens up by a luminous bulb. I can hear every tick of the clock. I can feel every drop of that saline solution coming from that hanging bottle connected to my veins. It was painful and penetrating.
It was yesterday when the Doctor diagnosed me of leukemia on its most chronic stage.
My family and friends are there crying in pain when the Doctor said I've got only few months, weeks or maybe days left to stay.
I see how their hearts break...
I was in denial. And I am not bothered thinking that I was just on the first stage of grieving. It was normal and I'm still strong. I don't know if I would feel the same thing in anger, bargaining and depression and could easily go through acceptance. I know it would be different. I know it was a stage not a phase. I have to help myself. I have to be indulged in taking the next step, that's the only time I can continue grieving.
And now I'm apprehensive. I couldn't believe more. I'm anxious.
I realized learning these stages of grief from the nursing school is far much different when you yourself has to experience them. I tried to console myself but it never work.
I woke up and see the green wall of my room, my century old tv and some vintage frames with some assorted pictures hanging on my wall...this is my room, and it was just a dream I don't know if that was good or bad but thou was just a dream...
I remember telling my college best friend that sometimes, " i want to live my dreams at night and dream my life in the morning..." sometimes it make sense maybe because my mom told me the dreams are sweet and that almost everyone wish us of sweet dreams.
Sometimes I found this dream morbid and creepy. I'm dying, and of all people why me? and of all sickness, why leukemia? But I also find it sweet. I saw all my loved ones and friends that even in reality sometimes I seldom see them or seldom feel them. Dreams are from our subconsciousness...meaning they came from reality, it might be observation or long time event. Maybe watching the movie My Sister's Keeper contributed much in this dream, which by the way a real tear-jerker.
I called my college best friend and told him that, DREAM and REALITY, they both have bad sides but they are both sweet.