UNRESOLVED g r i e f

She would sing a lullaby to me until a fall sleep. The hymns are unfamiliar; the voice is sweet seemingly reiterating a deepest compassion; a purest form of love that marked on my tabula rasa when I was still an infant. I was helpless, debilitated by the unripe anatomy of my formative years. But when I see her face, I know I can do everything. She mothered my father and now she mothers me, my beloved grandmother, my lola, my apu in whom I found a mother like care and love, in the absence of my mother and father who used to work miles away. 

She used to cook my favorite dishes. I remember the black pot where she usually cooked my favorite paksiw. She could have baked me cakes and brownies perhaps, but her days are long before the advent of those modern cooking facilities. But her old kitchen never fails to satisfy our famished tummies with my two older brothers.

She grew beautifully older. Her short graying hairs and wrinkling face, I see but a wonderful and lovely woman. She would take us on the church at Sunday morning, buy my favorite popcorn and balloons, I’ve got more than any children wanted, more than bicycles and lollipops. I got love.

She is my comfort zone. But like any other good things on earth she didn’t last. I just found out now that, that is normal. People leave no matter how we wanted them to stay. No matter how we beg God. I could have been by her side when she left. I could have whispered her how much I’m hurt if she leave. I could have hugged her tight and tell her how much I love her. But I wasn’t there. And she left me with this unresolved grief. I know everyday she tells me that she’s okey, there at the bossom of her creator.

She wanted to tell me that I have to be okey. I love her so much. I wish she was there when I earned my degree in college, she would be very proud of me, I bet.

I can still feel her, i can still hear her voice, i know she prays for me and she's my angel.

Happy birthday Apung Son,you will always be remebered and loved, I love you so so much…I’ll be there soon!